A fast 13 months

I can hardly believe our time here is up. In two days I will be back in our home state ready to start a  new adventure. It all still seems so surreal.
I taught primary for the last time today, and as they announced my name to release me I felt tears sting my eyes because  I have grown to love these kids and it has truly been a privilege to serve them. They have taught me so much. I really think they have been the ones serving me.
A couple nights ago we grabbed a quick dinner and took it to our favorite park to eat one last time. It's a beautiful secluded park that we have grown to love and have spent several evenings at eating a picnic dinner alone as a family or with friends. Before we left my husband and I both stood there for a bit as if reminiscing about our memories there and tried to memorize every little thing about the park before we headed back to our car.
Tonight I said most of our goodbyes. I invited all of our close friends to come over for some ice cream and quality chatting time. We had so much fun. Every single person that was in my small little home tonight felt like family. We have been incredibly blessed with amazing friends out here. I will miss them the most. I will miss the east coast in itself for several different reasons but the friendships we've made here are priceless.
Tomorrow evening our awesome neighbors have invited us over for dinner one last time all together. I want to go but at the same time I don't. It means saying goodbye, for a time.
But now the pictures are off the walls, most of our things are packed, and now our home doesn't feel like home anymore. It feels like what it is- an empty apartment. Tomorrow my husband and some others will take all the furniture out and we will do the final cleaning touches.
After packing so much this last week I decided that packing is like a trip down memory lane. Different memories would stand out as I went through all our things and placed them in their specific piles/boxes. Memories of growth, struggle, happiness, and cherished moments came flooding back. In some ways it seems like yesterday we were just unpacking our boxes, ready and anxious to start a new adventure on our own! Now, 13 months later, here I am packing our things, taking a trip down memory lane from the last year, and I am so pleased at where we are in life and who we've become as a family. Yes we are going back to our home state, but in a lot of ways it will be a completely new adventure then when we were there before because we are different. We have grown so much individually and as a family.
Basically moving is emotional and draining in itself, but then let's add a pregnant woman to the mix and that equals me :) Bless my heart. But everything does feel right even though it's kind of hard. It feels right to be going back, I feel ready, and hooray for new adventures. Bring it on!

Confirm

We just had the missionaries over for dinner. We love having them over, they always bring an added Spirit to our home. The message they shared with us tonight was about the atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. They showed us the bible video "He is Risen." It's really neat and we love all the bible videos the church is putting on lds.org. While the movie was playing my husband reached over and put his hand in mine. It was such a small act but in that moment I remember thinking how much I love the familiar touch of his and how I would know it anywhere. Then I said to myself as it came to me, "I need this man." And I looked over at him watching the video and felt such a strong bond with my husband and a confirmation that I truly do need him. I love him with all my heart. It's amazing what a small touch or act can do for a person. I love that in the gospel the Spirit touches us and continually re-confirms truths to us. I love that in my marriage I find those same moments. Those moments where the Spirit touches me and re-confirms to me that I made the right choice in marrying this man. That we belong together. It's beautiful.
Life is good!

Lady A

Last Saturday a friend and I had the privilege of going to a Lady Antebellum concert!!! It was such a blast! Anyone who knows me knows I am a HUGE country music fan. As I've mentioned in an earlier post, my friend and I got a great deal and we will be attending 5 or 6 more country concerts this summer. :) Ahooa! Of course we both wish our husbands were doing this with us but it will still be fun nonetheless. My husband encouraged me to do this and he is happy to watch our daughter while I do so. And yes, we are poor. Yes we are in thousands of dollars of debt. Yes we are careful with our money. But yes, we still need to live life. Yes this will probably be our only year in Pennsylvania. Yes this is probably the only time in life I could do this. Yes we are treating ourselves to adventures out here because it's important.
So, that being said, what a fun night it was! Thompson Square and Darius Rucker opened for them and they were quite amazing too. Darius Rucker sang a few of his Hooty and the Blowfish songs which the crowds went crazy over. He was way more entertaining than I expected and sounded fantastic live! Lady A of course rocked it with so much talent and we were singing along with their songs. I don't think I could pick a favorite of theirs although "Need you now" and "Just a kiss" are definitely among the top!
I will say though, I missed my husband and daughter dearly. When Darius Rucker sang "It won't be like this for long" I found myself getting so emotional thinking of my daughter and how fast she's growing up. I wanted so bad to kiss her chubby cheeks and hold her tight. Looking around at the people around me and realizing how different concerts in Jersey were than in Idaho and Utah, I found myself wanting to wrap my arms around my husband and tell him how incredible he is and that I'm so grateful he holds the priesthood and is respectful. I found myself feeling sad for all the people there who were so lost and had no idea that there is so much more to life. When we arrived home I gave my husband a huge hug and clung to him for a bit just being so grateful for the man he is and then I went in to check on my sleeping daughter and I just got tears in my eyes as I looked at her peaceful, pure, innocent, beautiful body and felt the Spirit radiating from her so strongly. I whispered to her that I loved her, softly stroked her face, and then I quietly left.
So, it was a great learning experience for me in several personal ways that made me a better, more content mother and wife. But don't get me wrong- the concert itself was fantastic and I am very, very excited for the concerts coming up! I even had some small missionary opportunities with my neighbor and I'm hoping for more to come.

So, next Saturday we will be singing along with Miranda Lambert!

Re-Focusing

Yesterday late afternoon my husband and I were a bit on edge. Not upset, but feeling some anxiety. We were both trying to stay calm but we could both feel it between us as we talked about it. A few things have come up about the boating accident we were in last year and it hasn't been easy. I've been quite optimistic and full of faith about everything but yesterday afternoon was hard.
Anyway, we were in the kitchen together preparing dinner for the missionaries and I told my husband this would be a great night to have the missionaries over for dinner because they will help us feel at peace. And they did. We love to feed and serve the missionaries and they always bring such an added Spirit to our home. We fixed their favorite- whole wheat oatmeal pancakes with coconut syrup. Along with some turkey bacon, eggs, and peppers all mixed together. Yum! Anyway, after dinner the elders shared a message with us and of course encouraged us to do missionary work. After they left I thought some more on what they had shared and how it went along with my own thoughts lately.
I haven't been as missionary minded the past few months and I've become aware of that. Monday night I gave the lesson for Family Home Evening and we talked a bit about missionary work and how we need to see everyone as a child of God and as what they can become. We discussed how we need to take advantage of these last few months here and really work on being member missionaries. So, when the elders asked if there was anything they could do for us I asked if they would please give me a Book of Mormon. I told them if I have one on hand it will give me the courage and the extra push I need to give it away. They gladly accepted and my husband and I both have a Book of Mormon to prayerfully place in someone's hands.
Lately, as I've prayed for missionary experiences, tried to become more missionary minded and as the elders were talking to us last night the same girl has popped into my head. I can't even remember her name but she has come to mind every time I've prayed or talked about missionary work. She is a nanny and I've run into her at two different parks. I feel drawn to her and find her on my mind a lot. I'm now praying to meet her again soon so that I can talk to her about the church and give her a Book of Mormon. I think she'll be at a library reading time next Tuesday so I will try to meet her there. I love this gospel and I'm excited to share it.

Content

A few weeks ago I found myself constantly thinking of Idaho and how our time here is coming to a close. Anytime change is creeping closer I think a person naturally thinks ahead. I kept thinking about my family, my friends back home, and all the exciting adventures that await us there. Our baby is going to be born in Idaho so  naturally that is also on my mind. We've started looking at housing there, and our landlord here is starting to show our apartment to other families- another reminder the clock is ticking.  I almost found myself wishing our time away here, as if I was already "checking out."
Then, a couple of weeks ago my daughter and I were taking a drive exploring some new roads. I was in awe of how beautiful the scenery around us was and I will never forget the Spirit whispering to me so softly in the car to not take for granted the little time we have left here. It really touched my heart because I almost hadn't realized that I had somewhat "checked out."
I know the Lord has blessed me so much because after that neat experience everything changed. I find myself clinging to Pennsylvania and everything and everyone around me. We have made some lasting, incredible friendships here that have changed us for the better. We've been privileged to be in a ward that has become like family. I've had a lot of tender moments lately that have made me stop and think, "Can I really leave this place?" There are so many wonderful things about the east that are dear to my heart. We've done so much learning and growing together as a family here. I feel so much love in my heart for everything and everyone around me. Pennsylvania feels like home.
So much so, that it's hard to think of leaving. Idaho is not in the forefront of my mind and I'm not ready to go back. When the time is here for us to go home I'm sure we'll be ready but until then we have an exciting, fun summer planned with lots more memories still to be created. I am happy where I am and that's enough for now.

Love is

Love is my husband working soooo hard for our family
Love is my husband telling me to keep sleeping in the morning while he goes and gets our daughter out of bed
Love is my husband calling me during the day just to say hi and tell me he loves me
Love is my husband making sure he makes time for our family in his crazy, hectic, don't know how he does it, schedule.
Love is my husband coming home earlier than anticipated
Love is watching my husband be so tender with our daughter today as she has been so sick
Love is my husband leading our family in prayer and scripture study each day
Love is watching my husband interact with our daughter
Love is hearing their laughter
Love is coming home from the store not knowing where they are and finding them under the table in their fort they made
Love is my husband doing amazing in his schooling
Love is my husband being strong when I'm weak
Love is my husband never complaining when I ask him to do something
Love is my husband asking what he can do for me after he's had a long day
Love is my husband laying his hands on our daughters head to give her a blessing
Love is my husband being okay with cereal for dinner
Love is my husband letting me ramble and be emotional
Love is my husband always making me laugh

I am in love with an incredible man. He is my angel.

Magical Sunday

Today was magical. Nothing extraordinary happened but perhaps that's why it was so wonderful. It was simply a great day.
To start off, not that this is important, but I had a good hair day. :) I think everyone would say they're more confident when they have a good hair day. So that was a bonus. But truly, here's what our magical Sunday consisted of:
my husband and I sang a musical number at church today. (Lord, I would follow Thee) I love when we sing together.
my daughter is loving nursery! Not one tear today :)
Primary was great- I have grown to love these children so much
80 degrees today!!!
going for a family walk while eating popsicles
putting a blanket out in the backyard and playing catch and just being together as a family
skyping with both my husband and I's parents
going to dinner at our neighbors house. They have become great friends and they spoiled us tonight! Crab cakes, red crockpot potatoes, asparagus and twix brownie bars for dessert. Every single bite was delicious. It was our first time eating crab cakes and I tell you what, definitely not our last- we loved them!
snuggling with my daughter and reading a book and praising her for how wonderful she is
and now, time with my husband.
What a great day!!!

Exciting!!

BIG news in our home! We are expecting our second child and we are sooo happy :) !!!
We found out we were pregnant on Valentines day (awe), it was perfect! We cried and hugged each other and felt like we were floating that whole day.

It's amazing how things work out. I told my husband months and months ago that if I could pick when I'd like our next child to be born I told him October or November is what I would love. Well, everything worked out because we are due October 16th! We are truly feeling so humbled and so blessed. It is an answer to our prayers.

I love the bond I have instantly felt with my children when finding out I was pregnant. It's so spiritual. My husband felt a really strong bond instantly with our last child and it's fun to physically see it now. They truly are best buddies and they do share a very special bond that touches my heart. I have felt that strong bond with this child. A year or so ago, when talking somewhat casually with my husband over dinner about the future and talking about our family, I all the sudden felt so close to whoever was going to be born to us next. I got teary and felt such a strong connection. It was really a spiritual experience for me. And now, much time has passed since then and I very much still feel that same strong bond carrying my child. We went to the doctor together as a family to hear the heartbeat and I couldn't hold back the tears when the baby showed up on the screen. Relief, humility, love, sacredness, and happiness flooded through me and my family at that moment. My husband squeezed my hand and that was all the message I needed to know he felt the same way.

Now, this is not to say I didn't feel a special connection with our first child or that my husband hasn't with this child. That would not be true. I'm just writing down some of our experiences.

Motherhood is a journey. I'm constantly learning new things from my daughter everyday and she is helping me grow to be a better person. I've read this a couple places and have found it to be oh so true:
"While we are teaching our children all about life,
our children are teaching us what life is all about."
I love that. I have found that daily I am having to say "I'm sorry" to my daughter about something I did wrong or should have done a different way or done better. I'm learning. My daughter is patient and my testimony has grown so strong that we truly are to become as little children.

I'm so grateful to be a mommy and to be able to give my daughter a sibling. My sister told me that she always had a hard time understanding how Heavenly Father could love us all equally. She said she didn't understand it until she had her second child. Then she knew. She knew how He could love one child just as much as another. I can testify to that already. I love my family!

Families are Forever

Random

Mini Cadbury eggs... just might be the only thing worth gaining weight for. Goodnight! I seem to lack self control when it comes to these beautiful eggs. Sadly, (no I'm not proud) we finished a bag in about three days and promised we'd wait a while before we got another one but then yesterday was my birthday. I wanted them. So I got them. And I knew I was going to have brownies and ice cream but I got them anyway. And now every time I go into the kitchen I find myself grabbing a couple (or maybe 5 or 6) Bless my heart.

Anyway, tomorrow my sister finds out the gender of her baby! I'm so excited for her and so anxious to find out. She has a daughter and then three boys. This will be her fifth child. They are all adorable and I could not be more happy for them.

The weather this week has been fantastic. In the 70's all week! It has definitely lightened our moods and brought an extra natural joy. We have taken advantage because next week is back to the 50's and 60's - which I know, still isn't bad.

Yesterday was my birthday and it was so fun. I hope everyone feels special on their birthday. I got several phone calls and texts and had a great evening with my family and our neighbor. It was nice and relaxing. For one of my gifts my husband got me the current country weekly magazine to look at for the day- (okay I may have bluntly told him I'd love to have it) but he was still sweet to get it and I enjoyed a good dose of Jason Aldean.

We have lots of exciting things planned for this summer! My husband found out he has four days off the end of may so we are really hoping to take a trip to Palmyra. That is a must before we leave the east. In June my oldest sister is coming and possibly bringing her daughter. Ahooa! I can hardly wait. I called her and told her Tim McGraw and Kenny Chesney are putting on a concert here and that was all I needed to say. It wasn't too hard to persuade her and I can hardly wait for that concert and to see her! Also, my neighbor and I got an amazing deal and together we will be attending 4 country concerts this summer. Bangerang! We are stoked. We really did get a great deal and this is probably the only time in life I would be able to do this.

We grilled Salmon the other night. Hi! Why have I not done that before? It was delicious and truthfully I could eat fish every day. I love it and we will definitely be having more in this household. Super easy too.

My daughter. She is cracking us up lately and really starting to put words together. My husband and I are constantly learning as she is changing and graduating to new stages. She is such a joy!

Institute. I attended today and paid extra attention and really participated more than usual. I love our teachers, i love that it's a small group of us, and I loved our conversation today about signs of the second coming, 14 fundamentals of a prophet, and general conference.

A quote I read from a blog today that really hit me and is going to help me when I have my down moments or any struggles is this, "fighting through darkness and despair and pleading for the light is what opened this dispensation. it is what keeps it going, and it is what will keep you going. " That was from Elder Holland. I love it.

Lots of wonderful things are going on here, but we've got our struggles too. I try to pretend to be supermom sometimes and put on a face, but it's just me trying to be positive and push through. Some days are very much earth life here in our home but for the most part we have it really good and I'm trying to focus on our blessings because I know we have so many.

Tomorrow is supposed to reach almost 80 degrees and this is truly worth celebrating! I'm sure we will go for a walk and go to the park. We're also supposed to meet up with some other couples from my husbands school and grill out for dinner at a park. Plus there is still cookie dough ice cream in the freezer. It's going to be a good day :)

mixed emotions

Thank you for the wonderful comments on my last post. They truly helped me and I am doing better.

I find myself with some mixed emotions lately and I'll somewhat explain why. I've been on the phone a bit lately with a dear friend who has a family member going through an awful divorce right now. As she calls me to talk things out and explain situations I found myself getting frustrated- why is this family letting Satan attack them? How did it happen? Where did it start? My heart hurts for her and her family. It's truly a very sad situation and I wish I could fix it. I feel like I'm part of their family and find myself struggling with her emotionally. I want everyone to have a happily ever after. Well, right after one of my conversations with her, feeling a bit frustrated and rattled at how all this came about my mom calls me with the news that another friend had lost her husband to cancer the previous evening. I found myself grieving her loss but the emotions were so different. Theirs was a beautiful love story of a wife and husband who adored each other and were truly one. Only married a couple of years but so in love. I have followed her blog and it was very touching- the way she talked of her husband and took care of him through this whole process. Two different stories with very different emotions.
Love is so precious and so fragile.

I find myself texting my husband during the day, giving him a call, taking his hand in the car, look him in the eyes when i say "i love you", being a better listener, making more time for us, and all those wonderful things that I should do regardless.
Life is wonderful and hard. The things that bring us the greatest joys are the things we have to work the hardest at. Every day. And oh it's worth it!
If you ask me, I believe I have the best husband in the world. I will brag about him, lift him up, let him know he can accomplish anything, and be his biggest fan because I love him and he is everything I've wanted and I love our love story. It's not perfect and yet, it is. It's good :) We fit each other perfectly. Occasionally on this blog I will "brag" about our lives- not to puff us up or put anyone down, but simply because my family is my greatest joy and I am proud of our accomplishments and where we're going, what we're doing. and while I could go on and on about it all, I'm going to save that for a later date and go join my husband because it's time to just be us :)

Life

I feel like I keep learning the same lessons over and over again. You'd think I'd learn. Honestly, I get lonely and bored. And seriously there's no need to be that way because I have lots of friends here and I believe a lot of the sisters in my ward feel that way. I think moms in general feel that way often. (the lonely part) I love reading and I love doing projects but right now it's really hard to do some things while my daughter is awake. She's good to entertain herself for a little bit but for the most part she wants my attention, which I'm happy to give and she is entitled to it. My problem- what to do! I can only read the same books and play with toys for so long day after day. Same with going to the stores and to the library. I'm ready for a change. I realize I'm complaining a bit but I just need to write some things out. It's winter time here. The weather is actually pretty good and this last week we even went to the park one day. Our whole family was on cloud nine that day! But for the most part the days have been gloomy and the skies gray. It really starts to take its toll on a person. Today when we walked out of church there was blue sky and the sun was shining. I almost started crying I was so happy. We are ready for blue skies! It just feels like things are getting so routine, so mundane. I'd love to work on some projects but we'll be moving back to ID in 6 months and can only take what we fit in our car and trust me we've accumulated quite a bit of stuff already. there's a lot we're going to have to leave behind. so that's basically it, I get in these "wo is me" moments and it's hard to get out of them! I don't like it.
So on the flip side, I'll read my friends blog who lost her daughter in a tragic accident, or another blog about a man who lost his wife, or hear about families who are really struggling with something and then everything gets put back into perspective and I realize how blessed I am and how good I have it and how happy I should be EVERYDAY. Honestly I get frustrated with myself sometimes. Why is it so easy to forget our blessings? President Hinckley said something to the effect of "when we are unhappy it's usually because we are only thinking of ourselves." How true! Life is good- I know it is! But I feel like this is an ongoing cycle for me. Of course there's things I can do better and I can be more creative- I just need to kick it in gear and do it! I need to call the awesome sisters in my ward and get together with them. They all have amazing talents and gifts that I can learn from. I need to serve. I know there's others who fall into these pits like I do. So, basically that's it. It felt good to get it out and some things came to me as I was writing this down so I feel much better now.
tomorrow is supposed to be almost 60 degrees so I think we're going to go to the park with some friends :)

Valentines

A clean kitchen + fixing lunch + a sweet handwritten letter + dancing in the living room = true love. It was a GREAT day! :)

Today

Today was a great day! I don't know why, but I feel like writing it down. I don't want to forget it. Perhaps I'll need to look back on it in the future. I got up at 5:00, exercised, came home and made my family baked oatmeal for breakfast (sooo good)! Then after we all got ready we took my husband to school and then my daughter and I went to a couple of stores. I was able to find her 3 skirts for the summer for $1.50 each. If you know me, I am extremely frugal and will rarely buy anything full price so this put a smile to my face (thanks Walmart). Then we came home, played catch, read some books, vacuumed, and mopped the floors. Then it was nap time so I took to scrubbing the bathroom and cleaning up the rest of the house, read a couple conference talks, fb, pinterest, blogs,...etc. Then the mail came- two packages!! one, a cell phone for me (I have been without a cell phone for a week after leaving it on the subway) :( We had an extra spare one in the family so we didn't even have to pay for a new phone. thanks mom!! Then two, my sister sent us a package with some clothes for my daughter and some cute valentines! She is so thoughtful and always calling to see what we need. She has such a big heart. She's always thinking of others. Love you sis! I talked to my hubby letting him know I had a phone again and he informed me he and some other guys in the ward needed to help move chairs with the elders quorum right after school and that the elders quorum would provide pizza for all them. I'm happy to have my husband serve but it's a big bummer when he says he'll be home later than originally planned. I've felt quite lonely this week, it's been hard, so I thought no way am I just going to hang out alone all evening til he's done! so I called up all the wives and had them come over for dinner since our husbands were together having pizza. It ended up being so fun! It was way chill- they all came over and I just fixed quesadillas and cut up some veggies and made a cookie dough graham cracker dip. We had a great time and I was ready for some socializing. After everyone left, we had family prayer, song and scripture study and now the sound of the dishwasher is going and my little girl is tucked into bed and I'm going to go make my husband stop studying for the night so we can be together. It's been a great day, a hard week for me in some other ways, but writing out my day like this has helped me to see the good in it and how blessed I am. Perhaps that's why I felt I needed to write it down.

Scotty McCreery - Dirty Dishes (Yahoo Music Session)

I love this song. I love his voice. I love that he is a good boy. I love that he is country. I love the message of this song. So enjoy!

Today has been a great day, nothing amazing out of the ordinary, but then again every day is a blessing isn't it? Today was different then yesterday though. Yesterday I just felt blah all day long. I had no motivation to get things done. It was just one of those days. However, today I turned it around and my daughter and I had a good time! We went to a couple stores, read books together, played catch, and colored. My husband also came home to a fantastic new meal! (Thanks Heath for the idea!) Raspberry chipotle chicken salad with black beans, corn, rice, cheese, and homemade salsa on top (sooo yummy and fresh!) and then homemade lemon cream cheese bars for dessert. There were smiling faces all around the dinner table tonight :) Our awesome neighbor even came and shared the joy with us. I love her. Then later this evening as my husband was giving our daughter a bath I read my aunts blog, who is serving a mission with her husband in the Cape Verde islands. What an inspiration she is! She has a true gift of writing and I felt the Spirit so strong as I was reading her blog. This is the second mission she and her husband are serving and I'm so grateful for their wonderful examples. So many things she said has touched my heart tonight but something in particular really made me think. Quoting my aunt, she said, "It is too easy to forget our blessings as we roam on earth trying to keep up with them." I had to think about that for a minute but I love her point of view. I'm sure it can be taken a few different ways but what it means to me is we are swimming in blessings! The Lord has been so merciful to us and we truly have blessings beyond measure. So much that we almost "forget" them or take them for granted and maybe don't recognize them as blessings. I love that quote from her. Time to look at all our blessings instead of maybe what we don't have. Because when we look at what we do have, we'll realize we already have it all.
Just this past Sunday was fast and testimony meeting for our ward. The Spirit in sacrament meeting was incredible. My husband and I both commented on it. We absolutely love our ward. I hope everyone can say that. We've both been in awe so many times at the willingness to serve and help out. I was humbled in so many ways with all the testimonies that were given this past Sunday. One in particular about a brother who has been looking for a job for a year and a half now and getting teary as he told how it hasn't been easy to watch his wife work two jobs for the family. He spoke of their trials and their faith and how after a long week of dealing with lice in their home his wife turns to him and says she's happy. She's content. The faith coming from this man and his family was almost tangible. Others bore solid testimony of the basic truths of the gospel in such a humble and powerful way. There are so many amazing people to look up to and learn from. I would stay here forever just to be in this ward. But then again that's the beautiful thing about the gospel- It's full of wonderful people everywhere you go! I'm just so grateful to be where I am right now. I know it's where we need to be and the Lord is giving me so many opportunities to grow and learn and become better.

Now, my husband is studying and I am about to go to bed so I can get up and exercise. The forecast for tomorrow is rain so perhaps tomorrow will be a movie day with my daughter :) Life is good!

Jumble of thoughts...

It's interesting, living away from the "mormon bubble" as some people may call it. There's always going to be pro's and con's wherever one lives and I could spend a long time talking about that subject alone, but I'm not going to. I love where I'm from and I'm happy where I'm at. Truly happy. In some ways I really feel myself growing here in ways I wasn't at home. Other times I feel myself getting caught up in some "worldly" things and then I have to refocus in on what's most important. What's hard is that sometimes I may be lazy about something and not even realize it. Then I have a lesson about it in church and I think, whoa! I gotta start doing better at that- when did I let that slip? You know?
Now I realize I'm skipping ahead here but stay with me. Facebook. It's a love/hate relationship and I would say most agree with that. I am home a lot (especially now that it's getting cold!) and sometimes facebook is a nice social outlet. Same with blogging. My ward has a FB group that all the sisters can get on and ask questions or post activities or things for sale...etc. It's FANTASTIC! It's been such a help for my family and I at times. I love it. Lots of good things about facebook. My problem- sometimes I get on there and start comparing! worst. thing. ever. i know! So then I start feeling down thinking "well so and so's husband did this" or "wow they went on a cruise" or whatever it is... no bueno. The same goes for blogging. Some people only blog about the "highlights" of life, naturally. And so I start comparing again. So, I'm working on it. I think we all have to work on it- maybe in different levels but I think we all struggle with it to a degree. So, I'm trying to spend less time on the internet and more time doing things worthwhile, like reading. I love love love to read. That one is not hard for me. I could read all day long if it was an option. Also, I'm going to serve my husband more. It's one of my new years resolutions and I'm quite ecstatic about it. I went to a marriage workshop yesterday for a Relief Society activity and came home with wonderful advice and a lot of ambition to make my husband the happiest man alive. I love him so much.
Church. I just got called to be in the primary presidency. I am sooo excited! A little nervous too. I have not been in primary since I was in primary as a child, so I'm re-learning the ropes again. I've only been in one Sunday and I already had tears in my eyes. Those children are so precious and who can deny the beautiful Spirit those children's songs bring? I am humbled to have this calling because I know I will learn more from them. After all, aren't we taught to become like them?
Institute. I attend institute every thursday. I love it. The missionary couple that teaches it are so awesome and they come so prepared. I love that hour and a half lesson each week. It's one more reminder of what really matters.
My husband, my daughter, scripture reading, and prayer- they are the most constant everyday reminders I have of what's most important. They keep me on track and help me so very much. I am so so grateful for them. I recently read in Nephi when he says "Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?" and King Lamoni's father says in reference to God, "I will give away all my sins to know thee." Another scriptural account says, "their hearts had been changed; that they had no more desire to do evil." I love those scriptures. I want that. I want to get to that level of trust and faith and one mindedness and I know I can. I know I can. It excites me to think about it. I love the daily reminders in the scriptures that teach us what we need to truly be happy.
The temple. My husband and I, along with some friends were able to go to the temple the other day. First time since we've left home. I've missed the temple. It's not easy living in a place where the temple is far away. The night before, when my husband and I discussed and decided we were going to make it work, that we were going to the temple the next day, I got tears in my eyes. I was so excited and so ready to go. It was a wonderful experience. It always feels right to be in the temple. What beautiful blessings and covenants are promised and made there.
So, back to my earlier discussion, I need to stay focused on the positive things about life that really matter and let go of all the nonsense that keeps me from being that much closer to my Savior. I'm going to do it. And as for reality- I already have it "all." there is no need for me to compare. I have a handsome husband who is working so hard in school to provide for our family, I have the privilege of being a stay at home mom to our beautiful, healthy, happy baby girl. We have been sealed in the temple for time and all eternity, and we almost always have homemade cookies in our home. :)
I realize all these thoughts might not make sense to anyone but me but I've had so much on my mind lately and I needed to jot some things down.

Today, my daughter and I skyped with my mom and my grandma. Four generations skyping together. It was so great! One of those times when you feel pure joy. And I know it was pure joy because I looked over at my daughter talking to her grandma and great grandma and she had the same look on her face. She kept reaching out her hands for my grandma to hold her. I know she remembers her. She also wanted to play "patty cake" with my grandma and she is the one who taught my daughter that. I wish time could have frozen for a moment. I know we all felt so connected to one another.

Life is good!

Dear Ashley

Dear Ashley,
I can hardly tell you how much of an impact you have had on my family for good. Your strength, faith, testimony, attitude, everything about the situation you've been in the last year and a half has amazed me and made me a better person. I'm counting my blessings more and trying to focus on what's most important. Your little angel was taken from you one day shy of being 19 months old. Yesterday, my little girl was one day shy of being 19 months old. I put her to bed last night and then my husband and I fixed hot chocolate, popped some popcorn and were climbing into bed to watch an NBA game together. As we were just about settled in ready to watch the game I just felt such a need, an ache to hold my little girl. One of those moments when you have a such a real and strong desire to just be near your child and hold them, like you can't quench it type of feeling. I fought it for a minute, then told my husband that I just needed to hold her. Of course he gently said, "then go do it, hun. Go hold her if you need to. Get her out of bed." So I went into my girls room and there she was, lying awake quietly sucking her thumb. So I stroked her forehead and talked quietly to her and then she reached out her arms to me so I picked her up and I just held her so tight and then I got so teary and started to cry. I cried thinking of you and what must have taken place that night you had to say goodbye to your angel for now. I cried not being able to imagine the heart ache you've gone through. I cried feeling so overwhelmingly blessed to have my little girl. I told her over and over how special she is and how much she is loved. I held her for a while and stared into her eyes then tickled her and made her laugh, then gently put her back down to sleep, stroked her forehead, gave her more kisses and told her that I love her.

It was such a tender moment. I'm so glad I didn't supress that feeling I had to hold her.
Thank you for being so wonderful and such a valiant example all the time of what matters most. You probably will never read this but I just want to say thank you. I feel so privileged to know you. You're still in my thoughts and prayers all the time. I love you Ash. Thank you for inspiring me.

love, Rachel