A letter to my son

Dear Max,

This morning as I sat next to you eating your cereal I looked over and knew I needed to capture that moment. It represented so many things to me and I am so glad I now have this picture for my own memory. 

Oh how I love this stage you are in. You try to sound out any word and you are starting to put words together. You have the sweetest little voice! Big sis is helping you with your words and she can decipher them better than me sometimes. You love sword and cars. Right now it's mostly cars. Our window sills and tables have become your favorite roadways. I love that McQueen and Mater have become your favorites and I can hardly tear them from your cute little fingers- unless it's meal time in which they always dine with us on the table. Even when going to bed at night they go with you :) I love that you are still attached to your "nigh-night" and it is never far from you. I love when you pick it up and put it close to your mouth making that noise you have always done and come up to me ready to snuggle at random times during the day. You are such a snuggle bug! Milk is another favorite. You would drink milk all day every day if I would let you and you can hardly breathe in the mornings until you get your milk. 

I could go on and on- I love so much about this stage but I mostly wanted to write this letter to remind myself of how good these days are. Too soon Lightning and Mater won't grace us for every meal, your "nigh-night" will be safely tucked away in a closet and your snuggles will turn into quick hugs. 

So for now I will keep imitating car noises to my best effort, I'll find joy and smile at having to wash your blanket so often because it has been dragged everywhere and I will put everything aside when you are ready to snuggle and just memorize your sweet features. 

I love you, son. You make me so happy.

Love, mom

Womanhood

  This is a big topic that could be discussed endlessly and with great detail but tonight my thoughts are simple and that's how I want to remember them. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (the church I belong to) published this book. Daughters in My Kingdom. As it says in the bottom corner, this book is about the history and work of Relief Society- of the sisters of the church. I have had my copy for a couple years now but until recently have sadly only glimpsed at a few pages of the book.  It was a month or so ago I was reading a friends blog and she mentioned some neat, tender thoughts about a specific part of this book. Ever since then I have felt the Spirit tug at my heart strings to read it.  I am in the process now and my testimony of womanhood has increased and strengthened a lot.
I don't want to go into detail or write down all the ways the respect, moral, and virtue of womanhood is spiraling downward at a fast pace. It's all around us, it's easy to see and I simply don't feel the need to mention it. But my heart has felt a bit heavy yet so passionate about this topic lately. It has been on my mind a great deal. Not only have I thought about womanhood in general as a whole, but what kind of a woman I am. Am I polite? Ladylike? Do I use manners? Do I understand my role as a woman? What is my daughter learning about womanhood from my example? In what areas have I become casual? How is my confidence level? We as mothers, sisters, daughters, aunts, friends, granddaughters, cousins, visiting teachers...etc have such a crucial and sacred role! I cannot express my belief and knowledge on that enough. We have a divine purpose! We are daughters of Heavenly Father. He loves us so much. We are wanted. We are needed. We are in no way inferior or superior to men but we are equal, and we each have sacred purposes and responsibilities. We need each other. It's wonderful! 
My mom and I were driving in the car the other day and we were discussing this same topic. I was talking about the past when woman were so ladylike and had wonderful manners and men were gentlemen. I then asked, "When did all that go away?" My dear mom then said, "When woman allowed it."  I believe that's true. A man can only be a gentleman when we give him the opportunity. So, that night I tested my husband :) We were going on a date and when we walked outside to get into the car to leave I just stood by my door. He had his door open and was about to sit down when he looked at me standing by my door. My message was clear and I tell you, he hopped out of that car so fast :) He walked over and opened my door for me and I kindly said "Thank you." That was it. Nothing big but I'm trying to recognize what I can do to be more ladylike and to allow my husband to be a gentleman. (Though I can assure you he already is in many ways.)
This book, Daughters in My Kingdom is full of stories of the woman of the church and the work, spirituality, and charity they have provided to endless amounts of people. It's amazing. I have learned so much. The Lord always prepares His people for things to come. I believe often times He gives us answers to problems before they arise. This book was published two years ago and when I think of the disturbing things I've heard or seen recently that are directed to woman I cannot help but say that I know this book is here to help us as woman in the world today. The church was so inspired to write it. It has already helped me in so many ways. As I was reading from it today I thought of my husband, and the tender spot he has in his heart for our daughter. Tears came to my eyes as I thought of our Heavenly Father. I think He has a tender spot in His heart for all of His daughters. I believe it's true. I'm holding that thought safely tucked inside my heart.
I am a woman. A daughter of a Heavenly King. My divine potential is so much more vast and glorious than my finite mind can comprehend. I love and find great joy in my role as a woman. I know He has a specific purpose and plan for me. I have been so blessed to be surrounded by stalwart women who have understood and passionately devoted themselves to their sacred calling. We are of great, great worth and we are in an eternal partnership with Him. Isn't that beautiful?

A letter

Dear Grams,
It's been almost five months since you have passed to the other side of the veil. It's hard to believe. Sometimes the pain is still very thick and raw but oh how happy you must be there! And that brings me joy.  I can only imagine the vast congregation that was there to herald your arrival. For you lived here as the Savior did. You went about doing good, serving, and giving to others with such selflessness. Anyone who met you would know it. It was so brightly reflected in your countenance. Your obedience and conviction to the gospel was so clear and strong. A true disciple of Jesus Christ. A woman of great, great worth. I've studied the Spirit World and pondered it a lot. What a joy it must be to be reunited with so many loved ones! Especially your mother, father, and sister. And to have a greater knowledge of our Heavenly Fathers plan. I know you are so happy in your new assignment. Oh if I could just glimpse into your world for a moment.
But grams, sometimes I'm a little selfish and I just ache to see you one more time. To see you sewing your latest quilt or wall hanging, to see you baking in your kitchen putting butter and homemade bread on the table, or coming next door to my parents to catch up on the latest with all of us kids. I want to hear you say "how's my Rach?" and play with my kids and talk about how cute they are. I know my little Max would catch your heart as my Sadie girl did. I want to hear you tell me to not straighten my curly hair. I want to hear you say "Oh my stars!" I want to come over and see your latest project you're working on, which usually involved sewing, knitting, crocheting, or quilting. How many people you blessed with those talents! I want to see your beautiful smile and the way your eyes literally sparkle. Oh how I miss all those things and many more. There are so many places, words, things, and songs that remind me of you and always will and I hold onto them because it makes me feel that you are still here. Even if just for a moment. Do you miss us, grams? I have a picture of you and grandpa on my fridge that is a constant reminder of the person I want to be and the kind of marriage I am striving for.
You were a fighter when you got diagnosed. You fought so, so hard and although you are not here with us physically, I believe you won. Through all the hard, and often excruciating times, your faith was firm and your testimony shone brightly the way you handled everything. I think besides the pain, the thing that was hard for me was when you started losing your hair. Oh how I sobbed. I had prayed so long and hard and often that you would be spared that. I didn't want you to lose your beautiful head of hair. I had been your hairdresser for years so this touched a tender place in my heart. But, when I helped to cut it in a short style you looked just as stunning. Not to anyone's surprise. What a beautiful lady you are! I had the privilege of a few precious moments with your your last few days here. I hold them so dear and have them safely tucked away in my heart. One thing I would like to share is the Spirit that was in your home those final days. The Spirit has always been in your home but this was unlike anything I have ever felt. Such a sacred feeling that words can hardly touch. Your home was full of people, few of those being physical bodies. How grateful I am for the gospel! I went to your grave the other day and had a few precious minutes to myself. It was one of those times everything became real and I just let out all my emotions. I cried and I cried. I didn't want to get back in the car but I had two children who needed me and as hard as it was to leave I felt such peace. I have faith in the Lords plan. I know His plan is truly a plan of happiness. I will see you again! Oh how joyful that will be. I've had some really neat experiences where I have felt you so close to me and I cherish those moments and think about them often. I draw strength from them and my testimony has grown because of those tender experiences. You're still here grams. I know it. Helping all of us in ways you weren't able to physically. If that's even possible. We are so blessed, aren't we? I think of you often, and feel humbled and so privileged to be your granddaughter. Thank you, thank you. You are forever in my heart. I love you grams, so so very much.

Love,
Rachel

A fast 13 months

I can hardly believe our time here is up. In two days I will be back in our home state ready to start a  new adventure. It all still seems so surreal.
I taught primary for the last time today, and as they announced my name to release me I felt tears sting my eyes because  I have grown to love these kids and it has truly been a privilege to serve them. They have taught me so much. I really think they have been the ones serving me.
A couple nights ago we grabbed a quick dinner and took it to our favorite park to eat one last time. It's a beautiful secluded park that we have grown to love and have spent several evenings at eating a picnic dinner alone as a family or with friends. Before we left my husband and I both stood there for a bit as if reminiscing about our memories there and tried to memorize every little thing about the park before we headed back to our car.
Tonight I said most of our goodbyes. I invited all of our close friends to come over for some ice cream and quality chatting time. We had so much fun. Every single person that was in my small little home tonight felt like family. We have been incredibly blessed with amazing friends out here. I will miss them the most. I will miss the east coast in itself for several different reasons but the friendships we've made here are priceless.
Tomorrow evening our awesome neighbors have invited us over for dinner one last time all together. I want to go but at the same time I don't. It means saying goodbye, for a time.
But now the pictures are off the walls, most of our things are packed, and now our home doesn't feel like home anymore. It feels like what it is- an empty apartment. Tomorrow my husband and some others will take all the furniture out and we will do the final cleaning touches.
After packing so much this last week I decided that packing is like a trip down memory lane. Different memories would stand out as I went through all our things and placed them in their specific piles/boxes. Memories of growth, struggle, happiness, and cherished moments came flooding back. In some ways it seems like yesterday we were just unpacking our boxes, ready and anxious to start a new adventure on our own! Now, 13 months later, here I am packing our things, taking a trip down memory lane from the last year, and I am so pleased at where we are in life and who we've become as a family. Yes we are going back to our home state, but in a lot of ways it will be a completely new adventure then when we were there before because we are different. We have grown so much individually and as a family.
Basically moving is emotional and draining in itself, but then let's add a pregnant woman to the mix and that equals me :) Bless my heart. But everything does feel right even though it's kind of hard. It feels right to be going back, I feel ready, and hooray for new adventures. Bring it on!

Confirm

We just had the missionaries over for dinner. We love having them over, they always bring an added Spirit to our home. The message they shared with us tonight was about the atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. They showed us the bible video "He is Risen." It's really neat and we love all the bible videos the church is putting on lds.org. While the movie was playing my husband reached over and put his hand in mine. It was such a small act but in that moment I remember thinking how much I love the familiar touch of his and how I would know it anywhere. Then I said to myself as it came to me, "I need this man." And I looked over at him watching the video and felt such a strong bond with my husband and a confirmation that I truly do need him. I love him with all my heart. It's amazing what a small touch or act can do for a person. I love that in the gospel the Spirit touches us and continually re-confirms truths to us. I love that in my marriage I find those same moments. Those moments where the Spirit touches me and re-confirms to me that I made the right choice in marrying this man. That we belong together. It's beautiful.
Life is good!

Lady A

Last Saturday a friend and I had the privilege of going to a Lady Antebellum concert!!! It was such a blast! Anyone who knows me knows I am a HUGE country music fan. As I've mentioned in an earlier post, my friend and I got a great deal and we will be attending 5 or 6 more country concerts this summer. :) Ahooa! Of course we both wish our husbands were doing this with us but it will still be fun nonetheless. My husband encouraged me to do this and he is happy to watch our daughter while I do so. And yes, we are poor. Yes we are in thousands of dollars of debt. Yes we are careful with our money. But yes, we still need to live life. Yes this will probably be our only year in Pennsylvania. Yes this is probably the only time in life I could do this. Yes we are treating ourselves to adventures out here because it's important.
So, that being said, what a fun night it was! Thompson Square and Darius Rucker opened for them and they were quite amazing too. Darius Rucker sang a few of his Hooty and the Blowfish songs which the crowds went crazy over. He was way more entertaining than I expected and sounded fantastic live! Lady A of course rocked it with so much talent and we were singing along with their songs. I don't think I could pick a favorite of theirs although "Need you now" and "Just a kiss" are definitely among the top!
I will say though, I missed my husband and daughter dearly. When Darius Rucker sang "It won't be like this for long" I found myself getting so emotional thinking of my daughter and how fast she's growing up. I wanted so bad to kiss her chubby cheeks and hold her tight. Looking around at the people around me and realizing how different concerts in Jersey were than in Idaho and Utah, I found myself wanting to wrap my arms around my husband and tell him how incredible he is and that I'm so grateful he holds the priesthood and is respectful. I found myself feeling sad for all the people there who were so lost and had no idea that there is so much more to life. When we arrived home I gave my husband a huge hug and clung to him for a bit just being so grateful for the man he is and then I went in to check on my sleeping daughter and I just got tears in my eyes as I looked at her peaceful, pure, innocent, beautiful body and felt the Spirit radiating from her so strongly. I whispered to her that I loved her, softly stroked her face, and then I quietly left.
So, it was a great learning experience for me in several personal ways that made me a better, more content mother and wife. But don't get me wrong- the concert itself was fantastic and I am very, very excited for the concerts coming up! I even had some small missionary opportunities with my neighbor and I'm hoping for more to come.

So, next Saturday we will be singing along with Miranda Lambert!

Re-Focusing

Yesterday late afternoon my husband and I were a bit on edge. Not upset, but feeling some anxiety. We were both trying to stay calm but we could both feel it between us as we talked about it. A few things have come up about the boating accident we were in last year and it hasn't been easy. I've been quite optimistic and full of faith about everything but yesterday afternoon was hard.
Anyway, we were in the kitchen together preparing dinner for the missionaries and I told my husband this would be a great night to have the missionaries over for dinner because they will help us feel at peace. And they did. We love to feed and serve the missionaries and they always bring such an added Spirit to our home. We fixed their favorite- whole wheat oatmeal pancakes with coconut syrup. Along with some turkey bacon, eggs, and peppers all mixed together. Yum! Anyway, after dinner the elders shared a message with us and of course encouraged us to do missionary work. After they left I thought some more on what they had shared and how it went along with my own thoughts lately.
I haven't been as missionary minded the past few months and I've become aware of that. Monday night I gave the lesson for Family Home Evening and we talked a bit about missionary work and how we need to see everyone as a child of God and as what they can become. We discussed how we need to take advantage of these last few months here and really work on being member missionaries. So, when the elders asked if there was anything they could do for us I asked if they would please give me a Book of Mormon. I told them if I have one on hand it will give me the courage and the extra push I need to give it away. They gladly accepted and my husband and I both have a Book of Mormon to prayerfully place in someone's hands.
Lately, as I've prayed for missionary experiences, tried to become more missionary minded and as the elders were talking to us last night the same girl has popped into my head. I can't even remember her name but she has come to mind every time I've prayed or talked about missionary work. She is a nanny and I've run into her at two different parks. I feel drawn to her and find her on my mind a lot. I'm now praying to meet her again soon so that I can talk to her about the church and give her a Book of Mormon. I think she'll be at a library reading time next Tuesday so I will try to meet her there. I love this gospel and I'm excited to share it.